There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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