Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
