there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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