If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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