brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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