If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
