I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
