Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
