I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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