Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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