i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
