how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
