she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.â€
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A+ Viking dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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