every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
