So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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