I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
