Cold hands, warm shart.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
