dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
