dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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