just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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