when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
