i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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