tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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