I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
