I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
