Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
