my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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