AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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