We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
