you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
