the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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