Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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