420 ftw
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
