My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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