she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My penis needs a shock collar
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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