I wish I could teleport
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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