A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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