I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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