totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
