i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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