I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
