I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
