It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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