Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
