Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
