Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
