for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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