Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
