She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
