I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
