Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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